As a native Portlander, I’d visited Seattle a couple of times, but really hadn’t spent much time getting to know the city. It’s so close in proximity that we sort of forget about it, and I’ve found that the reverse is true up here; many Seattleites haven’t spent much time in Portland, unaffected by the manic hayday that ensued after Portlandia hit Netflix. While we are sister cities in many ways, we are somewhat isolated from one another as well. So upon moving here, I was curious to find out if my preconceived notions of the city were true and excited to get a taste Seattle’s true essence.
Naturally, since day one, I’ve been typecasting, stereotyping and overall just looking at things in terms of absolutes in order to immediately solidify my opinions. Having lived here for a full six weeks, I have unequivocally gained the necessary qualifications to give a complete, comprehensive review of what this city is all about. So I’ve compiled a list of tips and life lessons in my time here that will answer the average Portlander’s burning questions about #SeattleLyfe. Without further ado, please enjoy the exhaustive list of my insights and tips for surviving life in Portland’s sister city.
Free up your phone space. Unsurprisingly, the crop of tech giants that have popped up over the years has penetrated the social landscape here. So prepare to clear out old voicemails, podcast downloads and any sentimental photos of friends and family on your smartphone, because you’ll need some room for all the apps that necessary to make it in this metropolis – the transit app, the transit ticket app, the Lyft app (Uber is frowned up here), the traffic app, the city parking app, the AmazonGo app (the app you need to enter Amazon’s high-tech version of Plaid Pantry). By the way, the AmazonGo store will not take your credit card and they definitely won’t take your “cash”... you may as well attempt to pay with gold doubloons or magic beans. You must have the app pre-downloaded to shop there, so don’t be a newb and try to walk in without it.
Get into a sport or board game. I never had much of a problem avoiding these two exhausting pastimes in Portland. Most everyone from home is usually content to hide away in lovely, low-lit dive bar and drink whiskey and beer to stay out of the rain. To my bewilderment, I’ve been unable to find a bar here that is not hideously well-lit and visibly clean. My first week here, I stumbled upon what I thought was a regular grimy dive only to discover a wall full of board games for the entertainment and sycophantic appeasement of its patrons. Many people also play and watch sports here. Apparently, Seattleites don’t know that a genuine appreciation of sports or games of any kind is so 2005, and not in an ironic/revival/hip way.
Invest in a down-jacket. In Seattle, people don’t wear sexy hipster outerwear. Portland classics like leather, denim, or your classic tie dyed pot-leaf hoodie from Saturday market, are scarcely seen in this concrete jungle. In Seattle, the hip thing to wear is a quality camping gear-brand down-jacket (yes, the thing we make blankets out of at home!), preferably in cornflower or navy blue. Green is also acceptable. It took me a few weeks to make the connection that these are the Seahawks colors. You can’t throw a fidget spinner here without hitting a college-educated millennial in a blue down jacket. Both of my friends here own one.
Familiarize yourself with Dan Savage. He has a sex podcast and column in the Seattle’s version of Willamette Week —The Stranger. He’s a big deal here. His celebrity is comparable to that of Fred Armisen, I’d say, although I just checked, and Dan has Fred beat about twice-over in twitter followers, and Dan doesn’t even have his own TV show. (Ouch.) Anyway, I’ve heard tell that he lives right in town, but even if you saw him out-and-about you’d probably never know if you were sitting in the same restaurant because Seattleites know never to embarrass a celebrity by outing them or staring at them in public; this is politically incorrect, and any action perceived as politically incorrect is a disgrace to your family and basically social suicide.
Implicitly understand bus stop etiquette. For the first few weeks I was here, I thought that the people waiting for the bus stop near my house always lined up against the brick wall to stabilize their bodies while they looked at their smart devices, but eventually it clicked one day while I was walking past a stopped bus with people filing on that they enter the bus in the order that that they individually arrive at the stop. I don’t know why people do this in Seattle and not Portland. It’s a cultural difference, I suppose. Fortunately for me, people are so passive in Seattle that I never got called out or even gazed at disapprovingly (to my knowledge) when I unknowingly made an ass out of myself by cutting in line for the first three weeks in my time using the public transit.
Probably get a dog. Dogs are the cats of Portland here: all the cool people have them. It seems like the only spontaneous social interactions I’ve witnessed sprung from somebody wanting to pet somebody else’s dog. Seattleites love dogs almost as much as blue down-jackets. Anyway, seems like a potentially worthwhile investment for a decent ice-breaker.
Layer up for the Seattle Freeze. My personal favorite Urban Dictionary definition of the social phenomenon here know as the “Seattle Freeze” reads as follows: “What obnoxious out-of-towners call it when we cultured, refined, artistic Seattleites feel annoyed and bored of them.” This definition hits the nail on the head -- not really because the sentiment is true, but because the sarcasm is the essence of Seattle humor.
Truly, I have only shaken hands with one of my neighbors, but right afterward I found out she had just moved into town the previous day. Yes, if you’re looking for evidence that the Seattle Freeze is a reality, you will find it. But I have also found Seattleites to be incredibly friendly and generous people. I think they just don’t have much time to chew the fat, as they are rushing off to their places of employment, which is not as much of a hindrance for the echelon of premature retirees in Portland.
While the city can feel a bit closed to new-combers, I will concede it also possesses some of the virtues that come with living in a larger city that Portland lacks. Breaking into the Seattle social scene can be a tough nut to crack, but it’s possible. I have yet to invest in a dog, make eye contact with my next-door neighbor or attempt to learn a new board game. If I do ever accomplish one of these tasks, I’ll be sure to report back.
Update: the writer did not successfully penetrate the Seattle social scene.